convicted

Why is it that we so often do the very thing that frustrates us most in others? One thing that I admire most is that people practice what they preach. My confession is that I have not been doing that, in fact I've actually been doing the opposite. In short, I have not been getting regular bodywork. Let me explain:

Here's what I preach: I encourage my clients to get massage regularly. The structure of my massage practice is to work on fewer clients more often. After four years as a massage therapist I see how regular bodywork can allow for lasting, sustainable benefits for Western people, so I offer steep discounts for folks when they come in for four bodywork sessions over two months. This is working great: people are coming in regularly and integrating the work deeply in to their systems, letting their bodies trust that they are supported.

In the meantime, in practice I am not getting work regularly! I more than anyone should know that regular massage helps our whole system work by watching it affect the lives of my clients. I also know from experience that getting massage consistently helps everything in my life work better: less tension, more mental clarity, more vitality!

This confessional post is to hold me accountable: I will spend the next few months exploring different practitioners and modalities, and then settle in with one therapist and go on my own journey from the receiving side, which will only make me a better practitioner, and a better liver of life!

On the up and up

Like a weight lifted, I can breathe again. Even though so much is still to be decided for our future, one thing is finally solid, and I can build a structure around that.

Who else do you know who has lost jobs? Who else has had their plans changed dramatically in the past two years? I would love to share stories of hope and healing.

At first it felt like, why write? Why write if I am not speaking from the centered, grounded life that feels the most comfortable to me? Why write if my life is all over the place and nothing makes sense?

This is the juicy moment though. Remember that early post, into the pain? In the difficult moments is where I learn the tools to do well at life. What is working? What feels off? Why do I think that is? What are my natural healing mechanisms?

Sleep. I have been going to bed at reasonable times and staying in bed for hours and hours after the sun has come up. My body is using this time to get into some deep rest and have some bright, vibrant dreams, so much easier for me to remember in the morning. Even as a niggling voice is suggesting, "start getting up and doing something in the morning!" as long as I'm NOT getting up, I might as well get the most out of it. I figure at this point I have two options: sleep in and feel guilty about it, or sleep in and feel amazing every day, grateful for all that luxurious rest. Which one sounds the healthiest to you?

Herbs. I love to incorporate herbs in my life: fresh ones in salads and cooking, and dried ones in teas or as seasoning. It feels good using potent medicinal foods as the things I would otherwise be eating or drinking anyway. Last week, though, I went to the store for two tinctures to use for the sole purpose of making me feel better. One to soothe my racing heart and mind and one to lift my spirits.

Sun. My new home has a patio with direct light every morning, and I sit with my toes in the sun and soak it in.

Things are looking brighter.

travel

I am on the craziest adventure I can think of: move out of a beautiful home we couldn't afford in Los Angeles into my husband's parents' house for free rent in a city I had never heard of before I met them. Nothing but a possibly impossible plan about where we'll be next, and when, and how we will finance our lives once we get there.

I am very nervous. Very excited. Looking to share my stories as I go and also worried about being too much of an online Diarist who shares too much of the intimate. Fear and worry are powerful things. I can be brave. I can be kind. I am strong.

more to come?

just sit there

Tomorrow I'm going to the desert, and there I am going to sit for a total of ten hours a day for ten days.  A hundred hours, sitting on the floor.

My body will probably hurt.  I have no idea what else will happen.

While I'm there I will also not be talking, reading, or writing.  I will have no verbal outlet for the train of thought in my mind, so I imagine I will learn to quiet it, and focus on things other than words, like how I feel and where I am right now.

Maybe.  I'm not even trying to guess.  It might be the opposite of what I expect, as is always a possibility.

make a joyful noise

Every moment of every day you are carrying around, even walking within, a musical instrument.  Your whole body - from your toes through your pelvis and abdomen, then up through your throat and the top of your head - is a singing, breathing machine.  

Feel it: everyone who can speak is singing.  The noise we are making with our mouths is the product of all the cells in our bodies joining together to make a sound.

That procedure called singing heals us too.  Whether we sing for joy or sadness, the sounds and vibrations move through our bodies to express what's really going on for us, and in turn shake and rock the painful or stuck parts.

A few nights ago I was singing with some friends and I felt so tight in my neck.  I couldn't think of how to help it let go of the clench.  Another singer shared some tools she has learned along the way: let the sound come from your lower body and the throat can just allow the noise to pass through, and most importantly: sing until it feels good.  Use the singing itself to make singing feel better.

After practice I went into the garden and just hummed and groaned and sang and allowed my music-making body to relax into whatever sounds it wanted to make.  After some good solid time with that, I heaved a sigh and knew that it was time to get up: what good work there was to be done was done.

I felt relieved.  My throat more relaxed.  Just as importantly: I felt like I had expressed whatever it was that needed to be expressed and I didn't need to hold it back through tight neck muscles any more.

I still have work to do: my neck, jaw, and upper shoulders is the area of my body asking for the most care and attention right now, and that healing session just scratched the surface of letting go.  Often, though, scratching the surface is the hardest part, and after that it can all pour out.

It feels good to know I have that singing tool in my toolbox for health.

Now you: sing or hum (especially hum!) or chant "om" whenever it feels comfortable to you.  Then see if you don't feel better.

get a massage

Get one.   It's so obvious, right?  The benefits are numerous, and many can't be articulated in words, but let me do my best to describe what happens when we get a massage:

Time to let the body heal:

First off, there is the simple fact that for a whole session, be it ninety minutes, or sixty, or fifteen, there is nothing we have to do but receive.  What a relief!  The less we can actively "do" during a massage session, the more fully we can reap the benefits of what we've come for.  This practice of not-doing activates the parasympathetic nervous system/puts us in "rest and digest" mode, and from there our body can do what it was made to do: move food and fluids effectively, and scan itself for areas of infection or dis-ease in order to flush out weakened tissue.  We are self-healing machines!  All we have to do is give ourselves time to do what already do well.  This leads to better digestion and a healthier immune system: more protection from the flus and colds that attack our friends and co-workers.

For me, that right there is enough, and there's more!

Freedom from pain:

Another thing that happens during a massage is areas of tension in our muscles break down under the therapist's hands.  This is probably the most commonly shared phenomenon while receiving massage.  That feeling of pressure going over a speed bump in my shoulders and then noticing that the speed bump is gone.  Substances such as lactic acid can move from being locked up in my soft tissue to moving freely through the body as they should.  Suddenly I feel light and flexible in areas that had felt tight and painful. 

Enhanced creativity and better insight into problems:

When we take a break from worry about our cares and responsibilities, our minds are free to come up with new and creative ways to solve the puzzles and problems of our lives.  When we know that we are safe, a new form of insight can come to us, even if it doesn't happen on the table.  It may be days or weeks later, but after we've had a chance to let go for a moment like we can on a massage table, a formerly impossible situation may suddenly seem to resolve itself, the solution is so obvious.

As I write and reread this, it feels like I'm making unreasonably marvelous claims about the benefits of massage, but the only reason I say these things is that I've felt it happen in my own life so many times, and I have watched it happen over and over in the bodies, minds and lives of my own clients.  I have seen how the simple act of attending to the health of a person with my hands, or receive that kind of work, simply makes my life better.  I feel healthier and free from pain, I make better decisions, I have more fun in my body.  

Go get some work.  And let me know how you feel.

yawn

I have been thinking about the "breath" post and how it takes so much effort and concentration to actually focus and release like that, and how rarely we stop and take the time to do it.

One release, though, which we can't avoid no matter how hard we try, is a yawn. The air forces itself into our bodies and demands that we take in the oxygen and let go of the tension and toxins, if only for a moment.

The next time you yawn, I invite you to feel the release that comes directly after. It comes the most strong in the head and neck: feel it open up, find the tightness, and let it go.

You know how yawns are contagious? Thinking and writing about it I just caught one. Pass it on.

dance it out

It's interesting to me that the culture I know has all but lost the art of dancing with specific steps.  In my experience one has to go way out of their way to find a class or a space to do this, and then the demographic seems to be a group of people holding on to the past and there will hardly be a new, young person there to learn and carry on the tradition.

Dancing with steps is awesome.  So is studying yoga or a martial art form.  Training your mind and body to move in ways it otherwise would not otherwise consider allows us to stretch and grow in the possibility of what we are capable of.

Dancing without steps is also awesome, especially as a compliment to a more specific form.  This is what you find at the dance clubs, rock shows and house parties I've grown up with.  A DJ sets a framework by choosing certain songs with certain beats, and then everyone at the party simply moves their bodies... oh, wonder!

Rather than forcing or training the body, what freestyle danceparty dancing allows us to do is let go of our mind and let our body figure out what it needs.  Do the shoulders need to be shaken out? Does the tailbone need to dislodge itself a little from the lower vertebrae? Do I want to bend and strengthen my legs? Get my hands on the floor to breakdance and retrain my vertical thinking?  Do it!  Even: Do I want to get close to another human or define my personal space more widely with the use my arms and movements?

Now I've heard that once one becomes highly trained and comfortable within a certain dance or form, following the rules of those moves can actually also lead to similar release and freedom.  For now, as I awkwardly study my form, I am glad I can always go to a dancefloor and shake it out with an accidental, intuitive movement-based healing session.

Shake it.